2007 (January - April)
APRIL 23, 2007
The verse in Kathie’s room: Joel 2: 25-26 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten… You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be ashamed.”
Kathie’s Baclophen Implant surgery is scheduled for May 31st at 10 am; afterward she will then spend the night at Sharp Memorial Hospital. I spent almost 3 hours with her on Saturday afternoon, she looks comfortable and I enjoy my time with her, it can be very hard to leave her.
Legal issues with the Government have frustrated me, so last week I wrote to our representatives, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer and Duncan Hunter. Who knows if anything will come of it but I felt better about writing and letting them know what hasn’t happened in the last 19 months.
Madison was shopping with a friend who suggested a pink sweater to go with her new black dress; Maddie thought a different color would be better. Later she told me that in the last picture of our family, Kathie wore a pink sweater and black skirt. She said, “I like remembering Mom in those colors, I will choose a different combination.”
This Wednesday, Kathie’s Charge Nurse will be having cancer surgery, please pray with us for her healing and comfort. She focuses on her patients with care and energy, may she receive the same care back. I told her I’m coming by to visit and feed her Jell-O, she laughed out loud and hugged me.
The introduction to the Book of Joel by Eugene Peterson: “When disaster strikes, understanding of God is at risk. Unexpected illness or death, national catastrophe, social disruption, personal loss, plague or epidemic, devastation by flood or drought, turn men and women who haven’t given God a thought in years into instant theologians. Rumors fly: “God is absent”… “God is angry”… “God is playing favorites and I’m not the favorite”… “God is ineffectual”… God is holding a grudge from a long time ago, and now we’re paying for it”…
It is the task of the prophet to stand up at such moments of catastrophe and clarify who God is and how he acts. If the prophet is good – that is, accurate and true – the disaster becomes a lever for prying people’s lives loose from their sins and setting them free for God to call his people to an immediate awareness that there wasn’t a day that went by that they weren’t dealing with God. _We are always dealing with God_.”
We are always dealing with God,
Dave & Kathie
APRIL 19, 2007
“We are all thrust into situations not of our choosing that prove the strength or weakness of our faithfulness.” Doug Webster, /Under the Radar/, p.12.
I understand the pain that happens in an instant and I’ve prayed for the families at Virginia Tech. There will be no satisfying answers to the question of “why.” I’ve learned that, “why God?” needs to be replaced with “who God?” Who are you God in this tragedy? I pray these families are comforted in the midst of their pain.
This weekend, Kathie’s nurses will change her tracheotomy and begin using a smaller tube. Since she breaths on her own and my concern is her comfort, is the trach necessary or causing irritation? This trial will verify the need for the trach or removal.
On Tuesday, my normal visit with Kathie was changed because of Hannah’s school jog-a-thon. I spent my lunchtime cheering Hannah on as she ran 5 miles in 50 minutes; I love to watch her runner’s stride. During my Wednesday morning visit I let Kath know how the run went. She seemed tired and started to fall asleep so I just stood next to her running my fingers through her hair. She woke up after a short nap and I let her know how pretty she looks. Sometimes I just sit quietly with Kathie, today as we sat in the sunshine, I talked a lot and finished by saying, “I miss hearing your voice.”
This week I’ve had a series of minor disappointments that have added up and taken a toll, I am worn down. I was reminded of Lamentations 3: 18-26. /
So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD." I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself…
"The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD/.
Waiting,
Dave
APRIL 11, 2007
Yesterday, Kathie and I sat outside in the sunshine; she listened to music while I massaged her neck, shoulders and feet. It was an enjoyable lunchtime. This morning, I brushed her teeth, checked her ears, trimmed and filed her toenails then worked her legs and arms.
My daily reminder popped up on my computer: "His Grace is sufficient" for me today - not tomorrow.
Thank you for all you kind words, cards and prayers, we really do appreciate your care.
Dave & Kathie
APRIL 9, 2007
After Maundy Thursday Service, Hannah and I went to see Kathie. While I talked with the nurses about Kathie’s surgery, Hannah stayed at her bedside. Occasionally, Kathie will move her head for no apparent reason; she did this as Hannah stood by. When I returned, Hannah was stroking her mom’s hair with a single tear on her cheek as she continued to speak softly to Kathie. Again, sometimes I am only an observer in the life pictures laid out before me. I won’t forget that one tear on her cheek.
Kathie’s surgery went fine but I couldn’t be with her, I had to settle for telephone conversations with the nurses who always keep me well informed.
Friday, I attended a memorial service for my first pastor. Months ago, we passed in a hallway at a memorial service; I didn’t think he remembered me. He stopped me, firmly took my hand, looked me in the eyes and let me know his family prays for us. On the way home, I went by to sit with Kathie.
All of us attended church yesterday, worshiped and then the girls and I visited Kathie. Later, we all met up again at my parent’s house for lunch and our Easter Egg Hunt. Last night, Hannah told me, "I know you miss mommy, you did a good job today."
This morning I woke up exhausted asking God for the strength to get through the day. The answer was, “yes.” I have been given the strength for another day.
We continue,
Dave & Kathie, Andy, Madison, Hannah, Katie and Audrey
APRIL 5, 2007
Madison and I were part of a house building team that worked in Tijuana, Sunday through Tuesday with our church youth group. I have written about the Ministry before, this is the third house Maddie has worked on www.amor.org/MissionTrips.html. We know the value of giving to others and we know there is a cost. Hannah stayed with friends and missed us deeply but she knows the work we do and goes through her closet, collecting items for the children. We talked each morning and night via cell phone. Andy took good care of the dog and house sat while we were all away.
Early Wednesday, Maddie had a scheduled physical with her doctor whom we haven’t seen since before our accident. I remember Maddie’s first physical when she was hours old and now she is 13. She is strong, fit and grumpy after 3 shots.
I was able to visit Kath in the afternoon. Kissing her and rubbing my beard on her cheek, she moved her head letting me know that I needed a shave. I missed her so much, like a dating couple; I anxiously looked forward to seeing her. I still consider these feelings a gift from God, reminding me of what I have… at this moment. I massaged her muscles, rubbing lotion on her feet but also remembering to just sit with her and stroke her hair.
Tomorrow, Kathie will have minor surgery to replace her Gastrostomy (feeding) tube, a maintenance requirement. Because of doctor’s schedules, her Baclofen Pump implant will now happen in May. I have asked her doctor for a “trial” to begin the process of removing her tracheotomy, she breathes on her own and I am wondering if she will be more comfortable without the trach. As you can see, even when I don’t write, much continues to happen.
Holy week continues as we prepare for Easter, I am brought into focus by Oswald Chambers: “We can never fully comprehend Christ’s agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, but at least we don’t have to misunderstand it. It is the agony of God and man in one Person, coming face to face with sin. We cannot learn about Gethsemane through personal experience. Gethsemane and Calvary represent something totally unique— they are the gateway into life for us.” Matthew 26:36, 38. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, April 5.
He has risen,
Dave, Kathie, Andy, Madison, Hannah, Katie and Audrey
MARCH 28, 2007
Friday I sat with Kathie outside, the sun was out but there was a cool wind. We returned back to her room, I kissed her and went back to work. That evening the girls went different directions and I went to see Kathie at 7:30, I don’t usually have an opportunity to do this. She was asleep when I arrived so I just sat quietly with her. A few minutes later, she woke up and I sat holding her hand watching the Food Network on TV. It was so strange, reminding me of sitting with Kathie as we did a lifetime ago. As the time neared for me to pick up Madison, I started telling Kathie good-bye and I was drawn into how pretty she looked. I said, “good-bye,” and my voice cracked, tears filled my eyes, I thought I was just tired, worn down by the week, my tear dropped on her cheek as I kissed her and for the second time I felt like she kissed me back.
Sunday at a reception for our Youth Pastor, I shook his hand and said, “September 2005” with a grateful smile. He had stood with me over a broken junior higher when he came to visit Madison. He stayed with her as I moved between Andy’s and Kathie’s hospital rooms. I watched as the color of her face changed and all she could say was, “I baked you a cake,” as her tears came. I was again brought into a holy moment in a crowded room as I watched these two say good-bye. When Maddie heard of the Reception, she said to me, “I want to make him a cake,” a very Kathie-like statement. She made the cake on her own, iced it and had Hannah shave mike chocolate to sprinkle over the cake, something she had seen on the Food Network.
This is not coincidence or fate for us; this is living lives in plain view of the world with our faith in Jesus Christ. Beyond our story, I pray Christ fills the void in your life.
/I know when the instructions have come from God because of their quiet persistence/. Oswald Chambers, March 28, My Utmost for His Highest.
Dave & Madison
MARCH 21, 2007
I’ve wanted to share this thought with you for some months. You will never hear me utter the phrase, “Miracles Happen.” I believe that miracles do happen but that trite term sounds so irreverent to me now that I will never subject a person in pain to these words. I believe that miracles happen to glorify God and God uses miracles at his discretion. A friend told me, “People don’t know what else to say.” Sometimes nothing can be said when those in pain are begging for a miracle. This is something I’ve learned and I am sharing it with you.
Psalm 37: 4-7 were the verses in Kathie’s room today: Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
You can imagine me reading this to Kathie, her bed raised up so that I am close to her face as I talk in a quiet tone. I read this then try to encourage her that we will shine. I continue to massage her legs and arms, using the vibrating neck massager, brushing her teeth and of course talking to her. What the world may see as meaningless activity, you and I have learned to see as meaningful. My thought is this, the more meaningless the activity to the world, the more meaningful to God.
My prayer: "Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the risen Christ and it will be impossible for drudgery to discourage you…"
Oswald Chambers
Dave & Kathie
MARCH 13, 2007
Last Saturday I had the opportunity to dance with Hannah at a wedding reception. I told her that she dances like her mother.
Today, Kathie and I sat outside listening to a sermon on Psalm 139 in the warm sunshine. I am finally getting some scheduling movement on a Baclophen pump, we did the trial last fall and Kathie will benefit from this minor surgery. Her shunt surgery and recovery time caused a scheduling problem but now we seem to be back on track, I’ll let you know when it is scheduled.
After our accident, as I was being wheeled into the Emergency Room, I thought of only the first part of Isaiah 40:31, “…those who wait (hope) in the LORD will renew their strength….” I was flat on my back, cervical collared and taped to a backboard, my family had left the accident scene in four ambulances and a helicopter. I had been reduced to these few short words of “hope” and utterly dependent on God. This morning I remembered to surrender my life once again and take my place as a servant of God. Someday Kathie and I will finish that verse together, “They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
The last time Kathie and I had danced on that floor was a few years ago when Katie and Andy’s grandparents took us to dinner at the Enlisted Club. In response to my statement, Hannah asked, “Is it good or bad that I dance like Mommy?” “Oh Hannah, it is very good.”
David
MARCH 8, 2007
Hannah is delivering Girl Scout Cookies and a lady expresses disappointment that she isn’t getting cookies because she donated to Operation Thin Mint. These cookies are sent to our troops overseas. So Hannah goes home, gets a box, returns and gives the cookies to the woman who says that she doesn’t have the money for the cookies. Hannah says, “That’s ok, I’m giving this box to you.” Then she goes home, to her room and gets her money to pay for the cookies. My Dad, a grandfather in awe, told me this story, please do not mention it to Hannah. I’ve shared her pain and now I’m sharing how Hannah sees the world, she walks in Christ. Tomorrow she turns 10.
Today Kathie and I sat outside in the sunshine, she wearing her hat with the button that says, “I hate perky people.” She would always giggle at that button. I stood behind her and massaged her neck then sat facing her. Both her eyes were open and occasionally she moved her head. I told her the Hannah story, let her know that Andy should be returning today and told her how pretty she looks. As we sat, her eyes slowly closed and she drifted off to sleep, relaxed and comfortable. When I had to leave, I took her back to her room and both eyes were open again looking rested. Just seeing her blink her eyes is special to me.
I have plenty of stressful days of pain, I was again granted a special time with my love. I drove back to work energized with a Peace of Christ. Our time today was a blessing.
The bible verse in Kathie’s room today is: Luke 12: 6-7 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Peace to you,
Dave & Kathie
MARCH 5, 2007
Saturday morning, I visited Kathie early, running my fingers through her hair, at one point hugging her as I kissed her forehead... I tell her how much I miss her. With family in town, we celebrated an early birthday party for Hannah. I prepare in the way Kathie would, with Madison’s voice sounding like her Mom, “we need pink plates for Hannah.” After everyone had left, the girls went with friends; I needed to go back to Kathie and tell her about the day. I live the pain of her loss and this weekend it took a toll.
I hate the thought of Monday, a week of tasks, nothing more; I live the “vanity” of Ecclesiastes. Behind my smile are the questions and the pain of her loss. I am sure of my God but unsure of my next moment. I read for courage. From My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers, July 28.
God’s Purpose or Mine?
He made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side . . . —Mark 6:45
We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.
What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea" (Mark 6:49). It is the process, not the outcome that is glorifying to God.
God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.
God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.
18 months,
Dave
FEBRUARY 27, 2007
Wednesday is Andy’s Birthday; we celebrate him in our lives.
Kathie continues to blink her eyes, looking comfortable. We sat in her room at lunch today listening to music.
The Charge Nurse, who has overseen Kathie’s care, has been diagnosed and is now being treated for breast cancer. She cares for so many, now we lift her up in prayer.
Our Guestbook ran into a glitch but we were able to save most of the entries off site. I pointed out that the messages have each been read over and over by me, so some entries might be lost but the sentiments are never lost.
Thank you for blessing us,
Dave, Kathie, Madison, Hannah, Andy, Katie and Audrey
FEBRUARY 22, 2007
Yesterday was a long day, attorneys, medical billing, letters I need to write. As the girls got ready for bed, I just sat in my chair mindlessly watching the television. Hannah entered the room with tears in her eyes, “I need Mommy… I just don’t understand… I need one more kiss from her,” then she melted into my lap and my arms covered her. We didn't say anything for a long time; I just kissed her forehead as I held her tight. There are no words… no quotes, no verses only silent prayers at that moment. After a while, typical of Hannah, she asked, “Who holds you when you miss Mommy?” Without waiting for an answer, she hugged my neck and patted my back.
I prayed that our God, who created that soft kiss that Hannah needed, would kiss her. Later, as I tucked Hannah into bed, she looked at me and said, “I prayed for you tonight, I’m glad you’re my Daddy.”
2 Corinthians 1:21-22: Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
Christ, in our tears,
Dave & Hannah
FEBRUARY 20, 2007
Friday night, I drove Maddie and two friends to the movies; all three were talking at the same time and not to each other… hmm, 13 year old girls. Hannah left Friday afternoon to go camping with her Girl Scout troop (when I went to bed that night, there was a note on my pillow, “Daddy, I love you very much. XO Hannah Bug”.
Saturday afternoon, I took Kathie outside to sit in the sunshine; I uncovered and massaged her feet, allowing the warm breeze to blow between her toes. I’ve asked the staff to quit wrapping her head since the swelling has gone down. After two hours, I had to leave and finish a project at work. That evening Maddie was having dinner with friends and so I decided to go back to Coronado.
I am intently aware and study every movement that she makes, as her advocate. Her jaws have loosened as I’ve massaged her gums, so I decided to brush the outside of her teeth using a sponge toothbrush. As I worked the brush around her teeth and gums, she seemed to relax her jaw and allow me to work. This closeness went on for about 25 minutes, as I talked in quiet tones, her eyes seeming to look at me. I felt a momentary closeness to my wife unmatched over the last 17 months, I believe God allowed this moment of intimacy because by our worldly standards, nothing like this can happen in the tragedy of our story.
In His grace,
Dave & Kathie
FEBRUARY 14, 2007
Last November 9th, I wanted so much to see a sign of Kathie’s comfort by watching her eyes blink again. It had been months since she had opened her eyes as the swelling grew in her head and I wrote that day about my discouragement, “Kathie’s eyes were not opening…God in heaven I'm tired of this path.” A little over 3 months have gone by and this morning I sat with her as she blinked her eyes the whole time I visited. I don’t know why this means something to me but it does, it is a momentary gift just to look into Kathie’s eyes.
Today’s verse by Kathie’s bedside is 1 Corinthians 13: (12)-13 (Msg): We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: _Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love._
“But the greatest of these is love,”
Dave
FEBRUARY 13, 2007
I spoke with Andy on Sunday morning; he sounds good, working full time and reading Oswald Chambers each morning. It was 20 degrees in East Hampton when I talked with him, he will be returning to San Diego on March 8th.
Madison has done a great job with her semester school work. She is 13. Physically, she has no side effects other than some facial scars. Did I mention that she is 13… and beautiful.
Hannah had the 24 hour flu on Saturday but handled it as a trooper. This school year, she has completed over 75 miles of laps in her running club. She turns 10 on March 9th.
Last November, we scheduled Kathie for surgery to repair a malfunctioning shunt in her head. This seems to have worked; the swelling and pressure are reducing. Yesterday, I sat on her bed and watched her blink both her eyelids. My goal is always Kathie’s comfort, as I left, her facial muscles were relaxed she looked comfortable as she slept.
These advertising weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day have been difficult. I bought Kathie red roses for her room and as she blinked her eyes, I held them close to her. I reminded her that, “she is the most beautiful women in the world to me.” I wondered how God sees Kathie as he sits by our side.
If you are really wise, you'll think this over, it's time you appreciated God's deep love. Psalm 107:43 (Msg).
Dave
FEBRUARY 7, 2007
The purpose of prayer is that we get a hold of God, not of the answer. Oswald Chambers.
I continue to struggle with God, relax and acknowledge that I have no control and then I enter the struggle again. I sometimes don’t even know why I am struggling since I have no power to change my life. One minute I am a “poured out offering” the next I question God’s Plan for this life.
Today as I was leaving, I kissed Kathie and her lips moved as if to kiss me back. I recognized, at that moment, God’s hand in the very slightest quiver of her lip.
Isaiah 55:8-9 (Msg) "I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work." God's Decree: "For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.”
A hold of God,
Dave
FEBRUARY 6, 2007
In January 2006, Kathie's co-workers had the very difficult task of packing up her personal belongings. I have looked through the boxes a couple of times with pain. Saturday I came across a piece of paper that had this quote on it.
Brokenhearted
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18, NIV)
“…in the days of my darkness… I desired to repent, but I thought that I could not do it and yet all the while I was repenting.
Odd as that may sound; I felt that I could not feel. I used to get in a corner and weep, because I could not weep; I fell into bitter sorrow because I could not sorrow for sin. What a jumble it all is when in our unbelieving state we begin to judge our own condition! It is like a blind man looking at his own eyes.
My heart was melted… because I thought that my heart was as hard as an adamant stone.
My heart was broken to think that it would not break.
Now I can see that I was exhibiting the very thing which I thought I did not possess; but then I know not where I was.
Friend, let this be your comfort that God sees you when you begin to repent… He sees you with an eye of intense interest.
No watcher on the lonely castle top ever saw the first gray light of morning with more joy than that with which God beholds the first desire in your heart.
You may have despised Him, but you will know Him yet to be your Father and your Friend.”
Charles Spurgeon
As I read this quote I realized that this was Kathie’s reminder of how she came to believe in Jesus Christ. She and I would compare the differences in our life as we grew up and then we met in church. I still attended the church I grew up in; she searched in many other directions. This piece of paper is Kathie’s reminder of her brokenness.
Last Sunday I watched Hannah hug Kathie good-bye, her face buried into Kathie’s neck. This is an image that crushes my heart… please remember the girls in prayer each Sunday morning around 11 am as they whisper to their mother.
May we all find our Peace in Jesus Christ,
Dave & Kathie
FEBRUARY 1, 2007
The herniated disk in Andy’s back has not healed and doctor’s opinions have led him to not have surgery at this time. I don’t know if you remember but the surgery would require the surgeon to go through Andy’s chest to work on the disk and there is no guarantee this surgery will actually repair the disk so he continues to wait.
This morning Andy flew to New York to spend a month with his Aunt and Uncle. He is struggling mentally as well as physically. His hope, and my prayer, is that this change of venue will allow him to refocus and continue healing. I ask for prayers for this young man who has lost so much. The loss of Kathie, his health and jobs has torn down his confidence and left him troubled.
May he continue healing in Christ,
Dave
JANUARY 25, 2007
Reading Oswald Chambers for January 25; I saw my highlight from last year: “Do not look for God to come in a particular way, but do look for Him. The way to make room for Him is to expect Him to come, but not in a certain way. No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute.”
Last Saturday afternoon as I sat with Kathie, “She’s Everything,” a song by Brad Paisley came on. I put my head against hers, hummed along and whispered in her ear, I love you.
That night the girls and I reconnected at the mall with shopping and dinner. I constantly ask God for strength to parent these two. As I am worn down by each day, I try to be a patient father but by the end of the day they don't always get my best. The sound of "thank you daddy," is always a reminder of my favorite role.
This week I have been reading Psalm 42 & 43 here is 43:5 (NIV): “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
I do look for Him,
Dave
JANUARY 18, 2007
Friends,
Kathie's condition remains stable. Her health is good, her body has recovered from the accident but her right brain will not recover. She blinks her eyes occasionally, especially if I am stretching and bending her legs. I continue to massage her limbs, use the neck massager and play music for her. My visits during the week are limited to about an hour every other day and I look forward to Saturday visits where I can spend 2+ hours alone with her. Her jaws have relaxed so I dip my index finger into a cup of mouth rinse and rub it on her teeth and gums.
I appreciate when I see the names of Kathie's visitors in the hospital logbook. I know it can be difficult but you encourage me with your presence. I have also heard from friends whose faith is touched by their visit. I am amazed to think of Kathie's witness of faith, from her bed.
The day before Thanksgiving 2005, our family held a thanksgiving service for Kathie in the small hospital chapel, I have read over that order of worship many times. As I was leaving one evening last month, I stopped by and prayed. “What do you want me to do, Lord, am I serving you, is this where you want me?” I love my wife beyond these draining emotions and I believe we are in God's plan, right where He wants us.
Thank you for watching and praying as our faith leads us through this dark valley.
Dave & Kathie
JANUARY 10, 2007
My last few visits with Kathie have been nice. As I massage her legs, feet and hands, I've placed earbuds in her ears playing the music we enjoy, it seems to help relax her and Madison was impressed that I thought of this. The vibrating neck massager has also been very helpful and she seems comfortable.
Many people say to me, “I can't imagine how…” I share quotes from Scripture and Oswald Chambers because this is “how.” I don't have the strength to do this on my own, I continue in Faith. From Oswald Chambers, January 8; My Utmost for His Highest:
What God wants is the sacrifice through death which enables us to do what Jesus did, that is, sacrifice our lives. Not— "Lord, I am ready to go with You… to death" (Luke 22:33). But— "I am willing to be identified with Your death so that I may sacrifice my life to God."
We seem to think that God wants us to give up things! God purified Abraham from this error, and the same process is at work in our lives. God never tells us to give up things just for the sake of giving them up, but He tells us to give them up for the sake of the only thing worth having, namely, life with Himself. It is a matter of loosening the bands that hold back our lives. Those bands are loosened immediately by identification with the death of Jesus. Then we enter into a relationship with God whereby we may sacrifice our lives to Him.
It is of no value to God to give Him your life for death. He wants you to be a "living sacrifice"— to let Him have all your strengths that have been saved and sanctified through Jesus (Romans 12:1). This is what is acceptable to God.
I continue learning what a “living sacrifice” is, over and over each day.
Dave
JANUARY 5, 2007
I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, I think about writing to you many times throughout the week. From a recent article, my prayers are for the parents of Ashley: http://ashleytreatment.spaces.live.com/
We had a nice Christmas and New Year's holiday, I was off work for most of the last two weeks making sure the girls had an enjoyable school vacation and fun holidays. We made cheese steak sandwiches on New Year's Day while visiting with friends and family.
I have felt the pain of what I call “acute grief” where I was tired but could only sleep for a short time; lost weight and felt a sharp pain in my stomach. Now, I live a “chronic grief” or a grief that is carried day to day. The weight lost has been gained back, I sleep better but the pain is dull and I've lost strength, drive and memory. I've talked with friends who have lost a child; grief stays with them, although from the outside you can't tell. When they talk openly you see eyes water or hear the voice crack. Our children also experience this chronic grief, people don't always notice the girls next to me when they ask about Kathie but they hear everything. While driving, Andy will sometimes pull off the road and sit. Katie mothers her daughter while missing her mother. Our family is forever different; we can't go back and we all strive to move forward. Many of our personality traits are still there but we carry a chronic grief that is just below and behind our smiles.
The following is from Oswald Chambers, December 31st: You shall not go out with haste… for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard —Isaiah 52:12
As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, forgetful delight, nor with the quickness of impulsive thoughtlessness. But let us go out with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.
Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him.
We all “rest in the sweet embrace of Christ,”
Dave, Kathie, Andy, Madison, Hannah, Katie & Audrey
The verse in Kathie’s room: Joel 2: 25-26 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten… You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be ashamed.”
Kathie’s Baclophen Implant surgery is scheduled for May 31st at 10 am; afterward she will then spend the night at Sharp Memorial Hospital. I spent almost 3 hours with her on Saturday afternoon, she looks comfortable and I enjoy my time with her, it can be very hard to leave her.
Legal issues with the Government have frustrated me, so last week I wrote to our representatives, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer and Duncan Hunter. Who knows if anything will come of it but I felt better about writing and letting them know what hasn’t happened in the last 19 months.
Madison was shopping with a friend who suggested a pink sweater to go with her new black dress; Maddie thought a different color would be better. Later she told me that in the last picture of our family, Kathie wore a pink sweater and black skirt. She said, “I like remembering Mom in those colors, I will choose a different combination.”
This Wednesday, Kathie’s Charge Nurse will be having cancer surgery, please pray with us for her healing and comfort. She focuses on her patients with care and energy, may she receive the same care back. I told her I’m coming by to visit and feed her Jell-O, she laughed out loud and hugged me.
The introduction to the Book of Joel by Eugene Peterson: “When disaster strikes, understanding of God is at risk. Unexpected illness or death, national catastrophe, social disruption, personal loss, plague or epidemic, devastation by flood or drought, turn men and women who haven’t given God a thought in years into instant theologians. Rumors fly: “God is absent”… “God is angry”… “God is playing favorites and I’m not the favorite”… “God is ineffectual”… God is holding a grudge from a long time ago, and now we’re paying for it”…
It is the task of the prophet to stand up at such moments of catastrophe and clarify who God is and how he acts. If the prophet is good – that is, accurate and true – the disaster becomes a lever for prying people’s lives loose from their sins and setting them free for God to call his people to an immediate awareness that there wasn’t a day that went by that they weren’t dealing with God. _We are always dealing with God_.”
We are always dealing with God,
Dave & Kathie
APRIL 19, 2007
“We are all thrust into situations not of our choosing that prove the strength or weakness of our faithfulness.” Doug Webster, /Under the Radar/, p.12.
I understand the pain that happens in an instant and I’ve prayed for the families at Virginia Tech. There will be no satisfying answers to the question of “why.” I’ve learned that, “why God?” needs to be replaced with “who God?” Who are you God in this tragedy? I pray these families are comforted in the midst of their pain.
This weekend, Kathie’s nurses will change her tracheotomy and begin using a smaller tube. Since she breaths on her own and my concern is her comfort, is the trach necessary or causing irritation? This trial will verify the need for the trach or removal.
On Tuesday, my normal visit with Kathie was changed because of Hannah’s school jog-a-thon. I spent my lunchtime cheering Hannah on as she ran 5 miles in 50 minutes; I love to watch her runner’s stride. During my Wednesday morning visit I let Kath know how the run went. She seemed tired and started to fall asleep so I just stood next to her running my fingers through her hair. She woke up after a short nap and I let her know how pretty she looks. Sometimes I just sit quietly with Kathie, today as we sat in the sunshine, I talked a lot and finished by saying, “I miss hearing your voice.”
This week I’ve had a series of minor disappointments that have added up and taken a toll, I am worn down. I was reminded of Lamentations 3: 18-26. /
So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD." I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself…
"The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD/.
Waiting,
Dave
APRIL 11, 2007
Yesterday, Kathie and I sat outside in the sunshine; she listened to music while I massaged her neck, shoulders and feet. It was an enjoyable lunchtime. This morning, I brushed her teeth, checked her ears, trimmed and filed her toenails then worked her legs and arms.
My daily reminder popped up on my computer: "His Grace is sufficient" for me today - not tomorrow.
Thank you for all you kind words, cards and prayers, we really do appreciate your care.
Dave & Kathie
APRIL 9, 2007
After Maundy Thursday Service, Hannah and I went to see Kathie. While I talked with the nurses about Kathie’s surgery, Hannah stayed at her bedside. Occasionally, Kathie will move her head for no apparent reason; she did this as Hannah stood by. When I returned, Hannah was stroking her mom’s hair with a single tear on her cheek as she continued to speak softly to Kathie. Again, sometimes I am only an observer in the life pictures laid out before me. I won’t forget that one tear on her cheek.
Kathie’s surgery went fine but I couldn’t be with her, I had to settle for telephone conversations with the nurses who always keep me well informed.
Friday, I attended a memorial service for my first pastor. Months ago, we passed in a hallway at a memorial service; I didn’t think he remembered me. He stopped me, firmly took my hand, looked me in the eyes and let me know his family prays for us. On the way home, I went by to sit with Kathie.
All of us attended church yesterday, worshiped and then the girls and I visited Kathie. Later, we all met up again at my parent’s house for lunch and our Easter Egg Hunt. Last night, Hannah told me, "I know you miss mommy, you did a good job today."
This morning I woke up exhausted asking God for the strength to get through the day. The answer was, “yes.” I have been given the strength for another day.
We continue,
Dave & Kathie, Andy, Madison, Hannah, Katie and Audrey
APRIL 5, 2007
Madison and I were part of a house building team that worked in Tijuana, Sunday through Tuesday with our church youth group. I have written about the Ministry before, this is the third house Maddie has worked on www.amor.org/MissionTrips.html. We know the value of giving to others and we know there is a cost. Hannah stayed with friends and missed us deeply but she knows the work we do and goes through her closet, collecting items for the children. We talked each morning and night via cell phone. Andy took good care of the dog and house sat while we were all away.
Early Wednesday, Maddie had a scheduled physical with her doctor whom we haven’t seen since before our accident. I remember Maddie’s first physical when she was hours old and now she is 13. She is strong, fit and grumpy after 3 shots.
I was able to visit Kath in the afternoon. Kissing her and rubbing my beard on her cheek, she moved her head letting me know that I needed a shave. I missed her so much, like a dating couple; I anxiously looked forward to seeing her. I still consider these feelings a gift from God, reminding me of what I have… at this moment. I massaged her muscles, rubbing lotion on her feet but also remembering to just sit with her and stroke her hair.
Tomorrow, Kathie will have minor surgery to replace her Gastrostomy (feeding) tube, a maintenance requirement. Because of doctor’s schedules, her Baclofen Pump implant will now happen in May. I have asked her doctor for a “trial” to begin the process of removing her tracheotomy, she breathes on her own and I am wondering if she will be more comfortable without the trach. As you can see, even when I don’t write, much continues to happen.
Holy week continues as we prepare for Easter, I am brought into focus by Oswald Chambers: “We can never fully comprehend Christ’s agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, but at least we don’t have to misunderstand it. It is the agony of God and man in one Person, coming face to face with sin. We cannot learn about Gethsemane through personal experience. Gethsemane and Calvary represent something totally unique— they are the gateway into life for us.” Matthew 26:36, 38. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, April 5.
He has risen,
Dave, Kathie, Andy, Madison, Hannah, Katie and Audrey
MARCH 28, 2007
Friday I sat with Kathie outside, the sun was out but there was a cool wind. We returned back to her room, I kissed her and went back to work. That evening the girls went different directions and I went to see Kathie at 7:30, I don’t usually have an opportunity to do this. She was asleep when I arrived so I just sat quietly with her. A few minutes later, she woke up and I sat holding her hand watching the Food Network on TV. It was so strange, reminding me of sitting with Kathie as we did a lifetime ago. As the time neared for me to pick up Madison, I started telling Kathie good-bye and I was drawn into how pretty she looked. I said, “good-bye,” and my voice cracked, tears filled my eyes, I thought I was just tired, worn down by the week, my tear dropped on her cheek as I kissed her and for the second time I felt like she kissed me back.
Sunday at a reception for our Youth Pastor, I shook his hand and said, “September 2005” with a grateful smile. He had stood with me over a broken junior higher when he came to visit Madison. He stayed with her as I moved between Andy’s and Kathie’s hospital rooms. I watched as the color of her face changed and all she could say was, “I baked you a cake,” as her tears came. I was again brought into a holy moment in a crowded room as I watched these two say good-bye. When Maddie heard of the Reception, she said to me, “I want to make him a cake,” a very Kathie-like statement. She made the cake on her own, iced it and had Hannah shave mike chocolate to sprinkle over the cake, something she had seen on the Food Network.
This is not coincidence or fate for us; this is living lives in plain view of the world with our faith in Jesus Christ. Beyond our story, I pray Christ fills the void in your life.
/I know when the instructions have come from God because of their quiet persistence/. Oswald Chambers, March 28, My Utmost for His Highest.
Dave & Madison
MARCH 21, 2007
I’ve wanted to share this thought with you for some months. You will never hear me utter the phrase, “Miracles Happen.” I believe that miracles do happen but that trite term sounds so irreverent to me now that I will never subject a person in pain to these words. I believe that miracles happen to glorify God and God uses miracles at his discretion. A friend told me, “People don’t know what else to say.” Sometimes nothing can be said when those in pain are begging for a miracle. This is something I’ve learned and I am sharing it with you.
Psalm 37: 4-7 were the verses in Kathie’s room today: Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
You can imagine me reading this to Kathie, her bed raised up so that I am close to her face as I talk in a quiet tone. I read this then try to encourage her that we will shine. I continue to massage her legs and arms, using the vibrating neck massager, brushing her teeth and of course talking to her. What the world may see as meaningless activity, you and I have learned to see as meaningful. My thought is this, the more meaningless the activity to the world, the more meaningful to God.
My prayer: "Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the risen Christ and it will be impossible for drudgery to discourage you…"
Oswald Chambers
Dave & Kathie
MARCH 13, 2007
Last Saturday I had the opportunity to dance with Hannah at a wedding reception. I told her that she dances like her mother.
Today, Kathie and I sat outside listening to a sermon on Psalm 139 in the warm sunshine. I am finally getting some scheduling movement on a Baclophen pump, we did the trial last fall and Kathie will benefit from this minor surgery. Her shunt surgery and recovery time caused a scheduling problem but now we seem to be back on track, I’ll let you know when it is scheduled.
After our accident, as I was being wheeled into the Emergency Room, I thought of only the first part of Isaiah 40:31, “…those who wait (hope) in the LORD will renew their strength….” I was flat on my back, cervical collared and taped to a backboard, my family had left the accident scene in four ambulances and a helicopter. I had been reduced to these few short words of “hope” and utterly dependent on God. This morning I remembered to surrender my life once again and take my place as a servant of God. Someday Kathie and I will finish that verse together, “They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
The last time Kathie and I had danced on that floor was a few years ago when Katie and Andy’s grandparents took us to dinner at the Enlisted Club. In response to my statement, Hannah asked, “Is it good or bad that I dance like Mommy?” “Oh Hannah, it is very good.”
David
MARCH 8, 2007
Hannah is delivering Girl Scout Cookies and a lady expresses disappointment that she isn’t getting cookies because she donated to Operation Thin Mint. These cookies are sent to our troops overseas. So Hannah goes home, gets a box, returns and gives the cookies to the woman who says that she doesn’t have the money for the cookies. Hannah says, “That’s ok, I’m giving this box to you.” Then she goes home, to her room and gets her money to pay for the cookies. My Dad, a grandfather in awe, told me this story, please do not mention it to Hannah. I’ve shared her pain and now I’m sharing how Hannah sees the world, she walks in Christ. Tomorrow she turns 10.
Today Kathie and I sat outside in the sunshine, she wearing her hat with the button that says, “I hate perky people.” She would always giggle at that button. I stood behind her and massaged her neck then sat facing her. Both her eyes were open and occasionally she moved her head. I told her the Hannah story, let her know that Andy should be returning today and told her how pretty she looks. As we sat, her eyes slowly closed and she drifted off to sleep, relaxed and comfortable. When I had to leave, I took her back to her room and both eyes were open again looking rested. Just seeing her blink her eyes is special to me.
I have plenty of stressful days of pain, I was again granted a special time with my love. I drove back to work energized with a Peace of Christ. Our time today was a blessing.
The bible verse in Kathie’s room today is: Luke 12: 6-7 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Peace to you,
Dave & Kathie
MARCH 5, 2007
Saturday morning, I visited Kathie early, running my fingers through her hair, at one point hugging her as I kissed her forehead... I tell her how much I miss her. With family in town, we celebrated an early birthday party for Hannah. I prepare in the way Kathie would, with Madison’s voice sounding like her Mom, “we need pink plates for Hannah.” After everyone had left, the girls went with friends; I needed to go back to Kathie and tell her about the day. I live the pain of her loss and this weekend it took a toll.
I hate the thought of Monday, a week of tasks, nothing more; I live the “vanity” of Ecclesiastes. Behind my smile are the questions and the pain of her loss. I am sure of my God but unsure of my next moment. I read for courage. From My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers, July 28.
God’s Purpose or Mine?
He made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side . . . —Mark 6:45
We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.
What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea" (Mark 6:49). It is the process, not the outcome that is glorifying to God.
God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.
God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.
18 months,
Dave
FEBRUARY 27, 2007
Wednesday is Andy’s Birthday; we celebrate him in our lives.
Kathie continues to blink her eyes, looking comfortable. We sat in her room at lunch today listening to music.
The Charge Nurse, who has overseen Kathie’s care, has been diagnosed and is now being treated for breast cancer. She cares for so many, now we lift her up in prayer.
Our Guestbook ran into a glitch but we were able to save most of the entries off site. I pointed out that the messages have each been read over and over by me, so some entries might be lost but the sentiments are never lost.
Thank you for blessing us,
Dave, Kathie, Madison, Hannah, Andy, Katie and Audrey
FEBRUARY 22, 2007
Yesterday was a long day, attorneys, medical billing, letters I need to write. As the girls got ready for bed, I just sat in my chair mindlessly watching the television. Hannah entered the room with tears in her eyes, “I need Mommy… I just don’t understand… I need one more kiss from her,” then she melted into my lap and my arms covered her. We didn't say anything for a long time; I just kissed her forehead as I held her tight. There are no words… no quotes, no verses only silent prayers at that moment. After a while, typical of Hannah, she asked, “Who holds you when you miss Mommy?” Without waiting for an answer, she hugged my neck and patted my back.
I prayed that our God, who created that soft kiss that Hannah needed, would kiss her. Later, as I tucked Hannah into bed, she looked at me and said, “I prayed for you tonight, I’m glad you’re my Daddy.”
2 Corinthians 1:21-22: Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
Christ, in our tears,
Dave & Hannah
FEBRUARY 20, 2007
Friday night, I drove Maddie and two friends to the movies; all three were talking at the same time and not to each other… hmm, 13 year old girls. Hannah left Friday afternoon to go camping with her Girl Scout troop (when I went to bed that night, there was a note on my pillow, “Daddy, I love you very much. XO Hannah Bug”.
Saturday afternoon, I took Kathie outside to sit in the sunshine; I uncovered and massaged her feet, allowing the warm breeze to blow between her toes. I’ve asked the staff to quit wrapping her head since the swelling has gone down. After two hours, I had to leave and finish a project at work. That evening Maddie was having dinner with friends and so I decided to go back to Coronado.
I am intently aware and study every movement that she makes, as her advocate. Her jaws have loosened as I’ve massaged her gums, so I decided to brush the outside of her teeth using a sponge toothbrush. As I worked the brush around her teeth and gums, she seemed to relax her jaw and allow me to work. This closeness went on for about 25 minutes, as I talked in quiet tones, her eyes seeming to look at me. I felt a momentary closeness to my wife unmatched over the last 17 months, I believe God allowed this moment of intimacy because by our worldly standards, nothing like this can happen in the tragedy of our story.
In His grace,
Dave & Kathie
FEBRUARY 14, 2007
Last November 9th, I wanted so much to see a sign of Kathie’s comfort by watching her eyes blink again. It had been months since she had opened her eyes as the swelling grew in her head and I wrote that day about my discouragement, “Kathie’s eyes were not opening…God in heaven I'm tired of this path.” A little over 3 months have gone by and this morning I sat with her as she blinked her eyes the whole time I visited. I don’t know why this means something to me but it does, it is a momentary gift just to look into Kathie’s eyes.
Today’s verse by Kathie’s bedside is 1 Corinthians 13: (12)-13 (Msg): We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: _Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love._
“But the greatest of these is love,”
Dave
FEBRUARY 13, 2007
I spoke with Andy on Sunday morning; he sounds good, working full time and reading Oswald Chambers each morning. It was 20 degrees in East Hampton when I talked with him, he will be returning to San Diego on March 8th.
Madison has done a great job with her semester school work. She is 13. Physically, she has no side effects other than some facial scars. Did I mention that she is 13… and beautiful.
Hannah had the 24 hour flu on Saturday but handled it as a trooper. This school year, she has completed over 75 miles of laps in her running club. She turns 10 on March 9th.
Last November, we scheduled Kathie for surgery to repair a malfunctioning shunt in her head. This seems to have worked; the swelling and pressure are reducing. Yesterday, I sat on her bed and watched her blink both her eyelids. My goal is always Kathie’s comfort, as I left, her facial muscles were relaxed she looked comfortable as she slept.
These advertising weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day have been difficult. I bought Kathie red roses for her room and as she blinked her eyes, I held them close to her. I reminded her that, “she is the most beautiful women in the world to me.” I wondered how God sees Kathie as he sits by our side.
If you are really wise, you'll think this over, it's time you appreciated God's deep love. Psalm 107:43 (Msg).
Dave
FEBRUARY 7, 2007
The purpose of prayer is that we get a hold of God, not of the answer. Oswald Chambers.
I continue to struggle with God, relax and acknowledge that I have no control and then I enter the struggle again. I sometimes don’t even know why I am struggling since I have no power to change my life. One minute I am a “poured out offering” the next I question God’s Plan for this life.
Today as I was leaving, I kissed Kathie and her lips moved as if to kiss me back. I recognized, at that moment, God’s hand in the very slightest quiver of her lip.
Isaiah 55:8-9 (Msg) "I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work." God's Decree: "For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.”
A hold of God,
Dave
FEBRUARY 6, 2007
In January 2006, Kathie's co-workers had the very difficult task of packing up her personal belongings. I have looked through the boxes a couple of times with pain. Saturday I came across a piece of paper that had this quote on it.
Brokenhearted
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18, NIV)
“…in the days of my darkness… I desired to repent, but I thought that I could not do it and yet all the while I was repenting.
Odd as that may sound; I felt that I could not feel. I used to get in a corner and weep, because I could not weep; I fell into bitter sorrow because I could not sorrow for sin. What a jumble it all is when in our unbelieving state we begin to judge our own condition! It is like a blind man looking at his own eyes.
My heart was melted… because I thought that my heart was as hard as an adamant stone.
My heart was broken to think that it would not break.
Now I can see that I was exhibiting the very thing which I thought I did not possess; but then I know not where I was.
Friend, let this be your comfort that God sees you when you begin to repent… He sees you with an eye of intense interest.
No watcher on the lonely castle top ever saw the first gray light of morning with more joy than that with which God beholds the first desire in your heart.
You may have despised Him, but you will know Him yet to be your Father and your Friend.”
Charles Spurgeon
As I read this quote I realized that this was Kathie’s reminder of how she came to believe in Jesus Christ. She and I would compare the differences in our life as we grew up and then we met in church. I still attended the church I grew up in; she searched in many other directions. This piece of paper is Kathie’s reminder of her brokenness.
Last Sunday I watched Hannah hug Kathie good-bye, her face buried into Kathie’s neck. This is an image that crushes my heart… please remember the girls in prayer each Sunday morning around 11 am as they whisper to their mother.
May we all find our Peace in Jesus Christ,
Dave & Kathie
FEBRUARY 1, 2007
The herniated disk in Andy’s back has not healed and doctor’s opinions have led him to not have surgery at this time. I don’t know if you remember but the surgery would require the surgeon to go through Andy’s chest to work on the disk and there is no guarantee this surgery will actually repair the disk so he continues to wait.
This morning Andy flew to New York to spend a month with his Aunt and Uncle. He is struggling mentally as well as physically. His hope, and my prayer, is that this change of venue will allow him to refocus and continue healing. I ask for prayers for this young man who has lost so much. The loss of Kathie, his health and jobs has torn down his confidence and left him troubled.
May he continue healing in Christ,
Dave
JANUARY 25, 2007
Reading Oswald Chambers for January 25; I saw my highlight from last year: “Do not look for God to come in a particular way, but do look for Him. The way to make room for Him is to expect Him to come, but not in a certain way. No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute.”
Last Saturday afternoon as I sat with Kathie, “She’s Everything,” a song by Brad Paisley came on. I put my head against hers, hummed along and whispered in her ear, I love you.
That night the girls and I reconnected at the mall with shopping and dinner. I constantly ask God for strength to parent these two. As I am worn down by each day, I try to be a patient father but by the end of the day they don't always get my best. The sound of "thank you daddy," is always a reminder of my favorite role.
This week I have been reading Psalm 42 & 43 here is 43:5 (NIV): “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
I do look for Him,
Dave
JANUARY 18, 2007
Friends,
Kathie's condition remains stable. Her health is good, her body has recovered from the accident but her right brain will not recover. She blinks her eyes occasionally, especially if I am stretching and bending her legs. I continue to massage her limbs, use the neck massager and play music for her. My visits during the week are limited to about an hour every other day and I look forward to Saturday visits where I can spend 2+ hours alone with her. Her jaws have relaxed so I dip my index finger into a cup of mouth rinse and rub it on her teeth and gums.
I appreciate when I see the names of Kathie's visitors in the hospital logbook. I know it can be difficult but you encourage me with your presence. I have also heard from friends whose faith is touched by their visit. I am amazed to think of Kathie's witness of faith, from her bed.
The day before Thanksgiving 2005, our family held a thanksgiving service for Kathie in the small hospital chapel, I have read over that order of worship many times. As I was leaving one evening last month, I stopped by and prayed. “What do you want me to do, Lord, am I serving you, is this where you want me?” I love my wife beyond these draining emotions and I believe we are in God's plan, right where He wants us.
Thank you for watching and praying as our faith leads us through this dark valley.
Dave & Kathie
JANUARY 10, 2007
My last few visits with Kathie have been nice. As I massage her legs, feet and hands, I've placed earbuds in her ears playing the music we enjoy, it seems to help relax her and Madison was impressed that I thought of this. The vibrating neck massager has also been very helpful and she seems comfortable.
Many people say to me, “I can't imagine how…” I share quotes from Scripture and Oswald Chambers because this is “how.” I don't have the strength to do this on my own, I continue in Faith. From Oswald Chambers, January 8; My Utmost for His Highest:
What God wants is the sacrifice through death which enables us to do what Jesus did, that is, sacrifice our lives. Not— "Lord, I am ready to go with You… to death" (Luke 22:33). But— "I am willing to be identified with Your death so that I may sacrifice my life to God."
We seem to think that God wants us to give up things! God purified Abraham from this error, and the same process is at work in our lives. God never tells us to give up things just for the sake of giving them up, but He tells us to give them up for the sake of the only thing worth having, namely, life with Himself. It is a matter of loosening the bands that hold back our lives. Those bands are loosened immediately by identification with the death of Jesus. Then we enter into a relationship with God whereby we may sacrifice our lives to Him.
It is of no value to God to give Him your life for death. He wants you to be a "living sacrifice"— to let Him have all your strengths that have been saved and sanctified through Jesus (Romans 12:1). This is what is acceptable to God.
I continue learning what a “living sacrifice” is, over and over each day.
Dave
JANUARY 5, 2007
I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, I think about writing to you many times throughout the week. From a recent article, my prayers are for the parents of Ashley: http://ashleytreatment.spaces.live.com/
We had a nice Christmas and New Year's holiday, I was off work for most of the last two weeks making sure the girls had an enjoyable school vacation and fun holidays. We made cheese steak sandwiches on New Year's Day while visiting with friends and family.
I have felt the pain of what I call “acute grief” where I was tired but could only sleep for a short time; lost weight and felt a sharp pain in my stomach. Now, I live a “chronic grief” or a grief that is carried day to day. The weight lost has been gained back, I sleep better but the pain is dull and I've lost strength, drive and memory. I've talked with friends who have lost a child; grief stays with them, although from the outside you can't tell. When they talk openly you see eyes water or hear the voice crack. Our children also experience this chronic grief, people don't always notice the girls next to me when they ask about Kathie but they hear everything. While driving, Andy will sometimes pull off the road and sit. Katie mothers her daughter while missing her mother. Our family is forever different; we can't go back and we all strive to move forward. Many of our personality traits are still there but we carry a chronic grief that is just below and behind our smiles.
The following is from Oswald Chambers, December 31st: You shall not go out with haste… for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard —Isaiah 52:12
As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, forgetful delight, nor with the quickness of impulsive thoughtlessness. But let us go out with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.
Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him.
We all “rest in the sweet embrace of Christ,”
Dave, Kathie, Andy, Madison, Hannah, Katie & Audrey